Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
