you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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