If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
