I like to think it a success when the cops are called
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
