I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
