Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
