Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
