I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
