i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
