so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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