when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
