I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize