Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize