My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
