you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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