you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
