This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
