my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
