you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
