if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
if only i could text you this smell
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
