I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
