as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Boobs speak an international language.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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