his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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