I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
