I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
