i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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