I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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