Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
