i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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