Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
