A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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