Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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