I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I did not marry a roomba.
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