Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
