why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
