ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
