she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
smell my finger.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
