The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
