Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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