hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
