When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My liver just had a heart attack.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Randomize
