If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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