I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
