we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
