My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
