I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
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