just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
