Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
