I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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