My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
