Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
