My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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