don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i think i just lost a toe
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
