That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
