oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
