there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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