I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We left an ass print on the piano.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
