I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
