Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
