Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
